In the wee hours of
the dawn of today, even before the birds and bees had woken up and rubbed their
eyes, my mobile made a shrill noise.
“Who is it?” I asked, mixing shrill and irritation in equal proportions.
“Happy Birthday,
Arun Kulkarni”, the voice replied, mixing the synthetic Ho!Ho! with shrill in
unequal proportions.
“Sorry, wrong Arun
Kulkarni”, I was about to throw the mobile away.
“Wait, wait, Arun Kulkarni! You are the Correct Arun Kulkarni. You are celebrating tomorrow, that is on 3rd
May 2012, your 28,000th birthday. Having completed 27,999 days of
existence on this planet earth, you are entering a glorious 28,000th
day, tomorrow!! Isn’t it wonderful?”
“Who are you? And how
did you find it?”
“I am your student,
Sir, TeerthPrasad Satyanarayanam! You
taught me Excel, you remember? I am now
in India’s most popular channel, Radio Chamcha.
Can you give us an interview, please,
by way of celebrating this auspicious moment?
It will be relayed on your 28,000th birthday, tomorrow.”
Who can say no to this?
I threw some water on
my face, and told him: “Shoot!”
“How do you feel, when
you realize that it is your 28,000th birthday?”
“Well, I am forever oscillating
between 28,000 leagues under the sea and 28,000 feet up in the sky. It is a
huge Giant’s Wheel, this Life!” I
philosophized.
“Are you scared?”
“I am always scared of
the immigration officer at the airport. Anytime, she may smile and tell me,
‘your visa has expired’”
.
“But, 28,000 days is a
long way to travel. Do you attribute it
to any particular event or a person?”
“Yes, it is entirely
due to an advice of my close friend, Balkya Akolkar, in 1960”
“Really? Do tell us more about it. Our listeners will be thrilled to listen to
this story.”
He appeared to be getting at last his
proverbial byte. I did not want to
disappoint him.
“Well, in those days,
I was courting a beautiful girl, a real heart throb, and had decided to tie
with her the auspicious knot. Came Balkya, who made some investigations and
told me, in a plain, simple language: 'Epya, don’t ever try to kiss an XXX of a
camel. Any Ph. D. thesis is much more
romantic. Developing an Econometrics model is far more exciting than spending your
honeymoon with this model, even if it is in Switzerland. If you are so
desperate, I will gladly help you committing suicide by a more orthodox way than
marring her.'”
“So, what happened?”
“Well, I believed in
Balkya much more than the girl of recent acquaintance. I said no to her. And now I realize what a great wise man
Balkya proved to be. Had I married her, my heart would have permanently stopped
throbbing long back. So I dedicate all these
28,000 minus Z days to Balkya”.
I spoke grandly, but avoided the temptation to
ask him calculate the value of Z.
“Great!! And, now, the
last Question. How are you going to
celebrate tomorrow?”
“Well, I have been
watching this Sun Shining for the last 28 K times. Should I perform a 28th सहस्र-सूर्य-दर्शनम ceremony tomorrow? I must ask my Priest. Another idea is to go to Microsoft Excel and
find out, as on today, the age in days, hours and minutes of Rajani, Abhay, Anand, Anju, Aaditi, Archis, Aryan, Krish, and all my brothers, sisters, their
spouses, their children – the entire Kulkarni clan, and the Joshi clan, and the
Chinchore clan, and the Ranade clan and other relatives, my friends, and
politicians, and students like you, and your relatives, …..…
"Wow,
this is a Super Idea… I can go on with
this activity, ever and forever… and cheerfully bombard all of you with up-to-second
information on your anniversaries of birthdays, wedding days, engagement days,
…
"Blast
the Oscillations of Life and Go to Heaven, young lady at the Immigration
Counter, with this kind of an Excel-ent activity, I can easily reach my 50,000th
Birthday!”
Did
I hear a very loud crash on the other end of the phone line?
No
matter! Even if you don’t get to listen to my interview on the Radio Chamcha tomorrow,
you know what Day is tomorrow and who is celebrating it for what!!
You
are welcome to visit me with any appropriate birthday gift, any time, any day! Each Day, for me, is my Birthday!!!
2nd
May 2012
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